Plateaus happen. These were the words that kicked off an awareness that I was in a plateau. Not sinking but also not stretching, I have been in this quiet stasis that I usually reserve for the winter time. I feel like a spring bud that is wound up tightly waiting to burst open. Well perhaps that is not quite the right analogy because I have simply felt still without feeling compelled to move.
To some, this might sound like depression. Trust me, it’s not that. I am having fully participatory days with my family and friends. I am eating and moving. I am getting out and breathing fresh air. The usual springtime busy-bee-ness that kicks off projects is not there. I overanalyze periods like this, and that urge is not there. I am here but I don’t feel that pressing need to get there – I am truly in a plateau.
I am thinking of the several recent posts I have tried to write for this blog. They were reactions to major news events, and how that affected my perspectives on parenting. Teaching children about sex. Discussing violence. Dealing with tragedy. And it occurs to me that I very well might be pulling inwards to protect my psyche from the pain of this world. I know that the miraculous and the terrible happens each and every single day, but in order to provide a day of love and learning for myself and for my children I feel it somewhat imperative to shut down some unnecessary functions. I was pushing my daughter on the swing yesterday at a new playground. She was playfully kicking her feet back and forth and I said, “Look at you! You look like you’re running a marathon!” The moment freezes and I am mortified at how this innocent comment could be taken by the mom pushing her son on the swing next to me, let alone how it has pulled my own attention from a moment of joy to a reflection on terror and sadness.
I want to be a woman and mother that gets things done. Not just gets things done, but gets things done that help repair this broken world. I know I have the skills and the heart to do that, but for now I am content to collect my energy for the tasks ahead. If I only measured my progress by my accomplishments then I would be limiting my view of my own personal growth. I know at this time I am having conversations with myself on a spiritual level, orienting myself in the right direction to move forward at the right time. And that’s good enough for me.